To read a sample chapter of “How to Write Email That GETS RESULTS & Other CEObservations” From: Richard Hlava, To: Subordinates, CC: Terry Dugan (Assistant), BCC: Swiss Bank Account, click “Sample Chapter“. Even a brainiac like Daniel in Marketing could figure that one out.
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CEObservation: The world record for people in CC: on one email is 2.57 million people. The email went from Beijing to Peking. The subject line translated roughly to “ideas for disposing of excess lead.”
Security alert: This former employee has made various incoherent threats against Mr. Hlava. Not only is he not allowed on the premises but if you see him, you may shoot to kill.
My coworker keeps pooping her pants. I don’t want to come across as some snob or anything, but I’m not really a fan of sitting next to someone who poops her pants at least once a week. I know we have toilets around here, but for some reason, she wouldn’t get up to use them. Or at least won’t when it comes to pooping. I do like her when she’s not pooping herself in my presence, and I don’t want to offend her. Do you have any advice for me for telling my coworker that she needs to stop pooping her pants? Sincerely, Dear Dina, Why are you afraid of productivity? I wish even a tenth of my employees had as much dedication as this poopy person, whom I know to be Mary Lou Janikowski. I don’t believe it’s your vanity that turns you against this poor girl, but I do believe it’s jealousy. You feel that competitive edge slipping away from you. You’re the one not willing to sit in her own feces to make sure the job gets done on time so you try to make someone who is feel like some sort of outsider. If I have to bring a fumigator in every night to clear the office air in exchange for people actually working in my company, I’ll do it! But to answer your question, what you need to do is simply ask her – after she drops the Hindenburg, as we say – “Excuse me, would it be OK if you crap yourself on your own time. Your shit does stink, and I am a delicate flower who can’t put up with even a millimeter of smell that isn’t stale coffee or my own breath.” If she continues to poop herself, probably out of spite now because she hates you, go have a meeting with HR. You can find them in the toilet, wasting the day away pretending that they do something. Sincerely, |
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Copyright © 2010 HlavCo Intl. — Office Humor - All Rights Reserved |
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Because I like people so much, I agonize over firing people. (Regardless of how important I am, I am human, too.) I know that these people have lives outside of work, that sometimes people depend on them to be breadwinners, and if they don’t have families, the local liquor store or a porn site is depending on them to help keep their businesses afloat. And that’s why firing someone is never easy – you can sympathize with that person as you’re sitting across from him in your office in what is thankfully your final meeting.