My coworker keeps pooping her pants. I don’t want to come across as some snob or anything, but I’m not really a fan of sitting next to someone who poops her pants at least once a week. I know we have toilets around here, but for some reason, she wouldn’t get up to use them. Or at least won’t when it comes to pooping. I do like her when she’s not pooping herself in my presence, and I don’t want to offend her. Do you have any advice for me for telling my coworker that she needs to stop pooping her pants?

Sincerely,
Dina in Quality Assurance

Dear Dina,

Why are you afraid of productivity? I wish even a tenth of my employees had as much dedication as this poopy person, whom I know to be Mary Lou Janikowski. I don’t believe it’s your vanity that turns you against this poor girl, but I do believe it’s jealousy. You feel that competitive edge slipping away from you. You’re the one not willing to sit in her own feces to make sure the job gets done on time so you try to make someone who is feel like some sort of outsider. If I have to bring a fumigator in every night to clear the office air in exchange for people actually working in my company, I’ll do it! But to answer your question, what you need to do is simply ask her – after she drops the Hindenburg, as we say – “Excuse me, would it be OK if you crap yourself on your own time. Your shit does stink, and I am a delicate flower who can’t put up with even a millimeter of smell that isn’t stale coffee or my own breath.” If she continues to poop herself, probably out of spite now because she hates you, go have a meeting with HR. You can find them in the toilet, wasting the day away pretending that they do something.

Sincerely,
Richard Hlava, CEO

From “How to Write Email that Gets Results & Other CEObservations”

Sincerely,
Doris in Mail Services

Dear Doris,
Mail Services? What are we still doing with a mail room around here? If I were you, I would indeed be concerned for my future when your future is in mail. But to your question: You are both incredibly bright and insanely naive at the same time. When I read this question, I pictured you as my own human puppy. Yes, you are outstandingly correct and astute in your observations about the HlavCo Intl. retirement plan and our lack of intentions for providing for your retirement years. However, it’s laughable for me to think that you are entertaining thoughts of investing in stocks. Silly Doris, the stock market is for rich people – that’s why it’s in New York. That’s why you only see men on the floor of the stock exchange or talking out of their backsides on TV. The money from your cookie jar that you attempt to invest in one share of Google stock will be eaten away by these brokerage sharks with their fees and ideas – which are always good for them and bad for you. My suggestion would be for you to do something more realistic with your money, like buying lottery tickets or small ceramic dolls from the television. At least with the dolls, you’ll be able to con someone – like yourself – who is, I assume, equally old into spending a lot of money for a “collectible” purpose. As for what a “point” is in the Dow Jones Industrial Average, it’s a secret that only us rich people know. It’s like the chips at a casino table; they don’t want you to think about what things are really worth, so instead here’s something colorful, numeric and anonymous to look at. Hey, a casino – how are your blackjack skills, Doris?

Sincerely,
Richard Hlava, CEO

From “How to Write Email that Gets Results & Other CEObservations”

Sincerely,
Jason in accounts payable

Dear Jason,
To that, I say, “I hope your aim is better than your invoicing.” The great thing about America is that it’s a free country, and I’ll feel a lot freer with you trouncing around Afghanistan for 48 months. For some people, the military is a great career choice. For others, the military is a great way to avoid the reality of what your next 40 living years will be like by participating in the most surreal pastime of man. Hopefully, the military can do something for you that we never could, which is teach you how to dress yourself.

Sincerely,
Richard Hlava, CEO

Dear Mr. Hlava,

Dear Annie,
Keep your money in the 401(k). You work for me, which means you’ll need as much financial security as you can get sooner than you think. Plus, over time, assuming that you live long enough (which the banks and government assume you won’t), you will see a fantastic return on investment simply from consistent contributions to your retirement fund. But, let’s assume for a moment that you did give your cousin the money. Even if his “bailout bags” manufacturing venture did turn out to be a success, he will find a way to screw you out of the money that’s rightfully yours. If he fails in his venture, you lose all your money anyway as well as a relationship with a family member. But when you keep your money in a 401(k) and the government or fund-managers lose your money in the market, you at least can still go have a beer with your cousin to complain about the state of capitalism in this country.
Sincerely,
Richard Hlava, CEO

From “How to Write Email that Gets Results & Other CEObservations”