From How to Write Email That GETS RESULTS & Other CEObservations

An email is not a text message, it’s not an instant message and it’s not a license plate. It’s a letter, a legitimate correspondence between two presumably intelligent people who wish to share a life experience, thought, emotion or business pursuit. It is not a pool of puke from someone who overstuffed themselves with alphabet soup.

There are very few acceptable acronyms that you should include in a business email. After all, you have a level of professionalism to maintain. Save the rest of those capital letters for your garbage-filled instant messages and text messages about the daily chores and the fact that you’re getting up from a seat and may not respond to someone within two seconds of receiving a message.

These approved acronyms should be used with care, with emphasis, and with purpose, when you need someone to visualize in their mind what you’re saying because you know they’ve zoned out the words themselves by now.

LOL – Laughing out loud (LMFAO is not acceptable as it implies too much happiness)
OMG – Oh my gosh. (“Oh my God” if you’re already going to Hell)
BTW – By the way
FYI – For your information
TTYL – Talk to you later
G2KU – I’m going to kill you.
?UW4 – Who do you work for?
^^ – Read the subject/previous line
* – Ass hole
i-r – You fucked me in the ass

It is possible for you to use any combination(s) of these approved acronyms in one email, and I believe technically the last three are emoticons, which is already approved standard email protocol.

From: Richard Hlava, CEO, HlavCo Intl.
To: Nephew, Underling Supervisor, Legal Nazi
CC: Nitwit CFO, Underling Supervisor’s Supervisor, Useless HR Head, Lazy Marketing Director, Main Douchebag, Sales Manager, Legal Fuehrer, King Sap, Giant Scrub
Subject: ? i-r

FYI, i-r *
OMG i-r
BTW, ?UW4
G2KU LOL
^^
TTYL
..!.,

Source: terrydugan.com

“Our study shows that Yes Men, on average, live more than 3 times longer than those who raise objections or instigate debate,” said Dr. Chester Shirecat, head researcher at the Happy Healthy Worker Institute, a subsidiary of HlavCo Intl. “Just as it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, it takes more energy to object than to simply say Yes.

“As science has proven, we all have a set supply of lifetime energy, much like a human battery. Raising objections and getting into heated debates only burns that human battery faster, taking more days off of your life faster than even smoking, which merely decays your body in a natural way. Tobacco has always come from the earth, but stress and being objectionable is a manmade invention.”

Changing peoples’ lifestyles from being negative No-ers to Yes Men will be a challenge, said Dr. Shirecat, because the No-ers suffer from a separate, but a related disease: a false sense of ego. “The non-Yes Men in our group had a much more difficult time letting go of ‘no’ because they were holding on to a false sense of right and wrong. They were constantly objecting in order to persuade the other party into doing the ‘right thing,’ but they never realized that the person they were debating with wasn’t listening.

“So, as the No-er, or the subordinate (to use a medical term), was making his case, the instigator of ideas was simply waiting to hear the word ‘yes’ or ‘good idea’ before moving on to the next topic. The Yes Men in our group recognized this method of selected hearing and simply responded with a quick ‘yes’ to move the conversation along, thus creating a happier, stress-free life for the Yes Man.”

As one might predict, the study showed the Yes Man was more apt to climb the corporate ladder faster than his No-er counterpart. “It’s not that the Yes Man is better or more intelligent than the No-er,” said Dr. Shirecat. “In fact, the opposite is usually true, but the Yes Man is much more efficient, which in the fast-moving, volume-centric business world, is more valuable than ideas and logic by a ratio of 3-to-1.

“As Richard Hlava, CEO of our parent company, says, ‘Logic is the roadblock of the business world*.’ Now more than ever we have the data to prove it.”

The study examined data over a period of 100 years in a wide variety of institutions from corporations and NGOs to less business-centric institutions such as marriage.

Source: terrydugan.com

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Fortunately, email has changed all that. All that emotion, all that thinking and sympathizing and empathizing – all that is tossed aside by one brilliant button: Send. That being said, when you’re firing someone by email, you can’t just write:

From: Richard Hlava, CEO
To: Sap
You’re fired

^^
RH

(or)

From: Richard Hlava, CEO
To: Sap
Important message

You’re fired. ..!.,

Thanks,
Richard Hlava, CEO

That’s classless. This person did some things of value during their tenure, one assumes, and they deserve to be fired with dignity and respect. Make your email sound both dignified and respectful.

From: Richard Hlava, CEO
To: Sap
Thank you for your help

Dear Sap,
I want to personally thank you for your help on recent projects – projects that I will remember forever but am unable to list off as of this moment. Without you, they probably would have never been finished until we found someone to do them.

Which reminds me, we have decided to make a change in your department, and that change is you. We have set up for you a nice compensation package equal to two-day’s pay as severance, which is one day more than we give most people. Your hard work and dedication, as you can tell by that extra day of severance pay, has not gone unnoticed.

Thank you for your service, and security should be standing right behind you to escort you out.

Sincerely,
Richard Hlava, CEO