Dear Mr. Hlava,
I saw the other day that the stock market is back above 10,000 points. Do you know what a point is? Anyway, I’m wondering if I should invest my savings in the stock market. Considering how we have to work for you for 10 years to get any retirement benefits, I’m concerned that I can’t count on a HlavCo Intl. pension when it’s time for me to retire.
Sincerely,
Doris in Mail Services
Dear Doris,
Mail Services? What are we still doing with a mail room around here? If I were you, I would indeed be concerned for my future when your future is in mail. But to your question: You are both incredibly bright and insanely naive at the same time. When I read this question, I pictured you as my own human puppy. Yes, you are outstandingly correct and astute in your observations about the HlavCo Intl. retirement plan and our lack of intentions for providing for your retirement years. However, it’s laughable for me to think that you are entertaining thoughts of investing in stocks. Silly Doris, the stock market is for rich people – that’s why it’s in New York. That’s why you only see men on the floor of the stock exchange or talking out of their backsides on TV. The money from your cookie jar that you attempt to invest in one share of Google stock will be eaten away by these brokerage sharks with their fees and ideas – which are always good for them and bad for you. My suggestion would be for you to do something more realistic with your money, like buying lottery tickets or small ceramic dolls from the television. At least with the dolls, you’ll be able to con someone – like yourself – who is, I assume, equally old into spending a lot of money for a “collectible” purpose. As for what a “point” is in the Dow Jones Industrial Average, it’s a secret that only us rich people know. It’s like the chips at a casino table; they don’t want you to think about what things are really worth, so instead here’s something colorful, numeric and anonymous to look at. Hey, a casino – how are your blackjack skills, Doris?
Sincerely,
Richard Hlava, CEO
From “How to Write Email that Gets Results & Other CEObservations”
Mr. Hlava has requested that the Halloween dress code be extended from immediately until October 31 at all HlavCo Intl. subsidiaries.
In addition to the mandatory dressing-up-in-a-costume from now until October 31, we ask that you bring candy to work each morning and deposit it in the box that will be at the front door of every subsidiary.
Mr. Hlava advises that you do not come dressed as “yourself” or “an employee” or any derivative thereof. Also, do not dress as a vampire, as that will be Mr. Hlava’s surprise costume this week.
Regards,
Mr. Hlava’s Personal Assistant
Dear Mr. Hlava,
I’ve been here two years and haven’t seen one pay increase. What’s up with that? Maybe I should join the military instead of work for you. At least with the army, I can shoot people while not getting paid. I also hear the coffee’s much better. What do you think of that?
Sincerely,
Jason in accounts payable
Dear Jason,
To that, I say, “I hope your aim is better than your invoicing.” The great thing about America is that it’s a free country, and I’ll feel a lot freer with you trouncing around Afghanistan for 48 months. For some people, the military is a great career choice. For others, the military is a great way to avoid the reality of what your next 40 living years will be like by participating in the most surreal pastime of man. Hopefully, the military can do something for you that we never could, which is teach you how to dress yourself.
Sincerely,
Richard Hlava, CEO
Due to recent world events, the hot-air balloon rides, sponsored by HlavCo’s Get High Rides hot-air balloon travel service have been canceled.
Mr. Hlava and all of us at HlavCo Intl. send our deepest condolences to all balloons that have perished, from the recent incident in Colorado to the Hindenburg.
We will send along a picture of a balloon for you to Photoshop yourself into.
Regards,
Mr. Hlava’s Personal Assistant
CEObservation: Your first impulse is always right. If people try to tell you you’re wrong, they’re just not seeing the bigger picture because they don’t have the mental capacity to do so. They were put on this Earth to buy things, and they’ve stayed here as long as they have because of luck.
