My coworker keeps pooping her pants. I don’t want to come across as some snob or anything, but I’m not really a fan of sitting next to someone who poops her pants at least once a week. I know we have toilets around here, but for some reason, she wouldn’t get up to use them. Or at least won’t when it comes to pooping. I do like her when she’s not pooping herself in my presence, and I don’t want to offend her. Do you have any advice for me for telling my coworker that she needs to stop pooping her pants?

Sincerely,
Dina in Quality Assurance

Dear Dina,

Why are you afraid of productivity? I wish even a tenth of my employees had as much dedication as this poopy person, whom I know to be Mary Lou Janikowski. I don’t believe it’s your vanity that turns you against this poor girl, but I do believe it’s jealousy. You feel that competitive edge slipping away from you. You’re the one not willing to sit in her own feces to make sure the job gets done on time so you try to make someone who is feel like some sort of outsider. If I have to bring a fumigator in every night to clear the office air in exchange for people actually working in my company, I’ll do it! But to answer your question, what you need to do is simply ask her – after she drops the Hindenburg, as we say – “Excuse me, would it be OK if you crap yourself on your own time. Your shit does stink, and I am a delicate flower who can’t put up with even a millimeter of smell that isn’t stale coffee or my own breath.” If she continues to poop herself, probably out of spite now because she hates you, go have a meeting with HR. You can find them in the toilet, wasting the day away pretending that they do something.

Sincerely,
Richard Hlava, CEO